Uncle Kai's Rules for How to Win a Boy
by LitLover 101
Summary: AU-ish. A sort-of spin-off of "Playing Favorites." Lizzie Saltzman falls in love, again, but did it have to be with Landon Kirby? After a brief, internal debate Lizzie enlists the help of her Uncle Kai, and chaos ensues at the Salvatore Boarding School, again. The big question being: Will Lizzie get the guy?


AU-ish. A sort-of spin-off of "Playing Favorites." Lizzie Saltzman falls in love, again, but did it have to be with Landon Kirby? After a brief, internal debate Lizzie enlists the help of her Uncle Kai, and chaos ensues at the Salvatore Boarding School, again. The big question being: Will Lizzie get the guy?

**Hello, my lovely readers. This is my gift to those of you who are boycotting the ushy-gushiness of Valentine's Day with a crazy, mostly one-sided, funny love story. On with the show…**

_**Uncle Kai's Rules for How to Win a Boy**_**:**

Love. All Lizzie Saltzman ever wanted was to be loved. To be loved by her mother. To be loved by her father. To be loved by her sister. And to be loved by a boy. But he would have to fulfill certain requirements that she'd set up in her mind of her Prince Charming. These requirements included certain stereotypes: tall, handsome, kind, charming, intelligent, funny, and wouldn't hurt if his family was loaded…but they could find their own money.

Yes, Lizzie Saltzman knew exactly what she wanted in a boy. Until she woke one night and let out a scream.

"Lizzie, what's wrong?" Josie groaned, propping herself up on her elbow, peering at her twin from Josie's own bed, to the right of Lizzie's, and blinked back sleep.

"Um." Lizzie could feel her eyes still wide from the shock of what she'd just endured. "Nothing. Sorry. Bad dream. Go back to sleep, Jo." Slapping her bedclothes, Lizzie frowned at her comforter, like it was the source of her anxiety.

After Josie slid back into a peaceful slumber, Lizzie scrunched down under her covers, and grimly went back to her nightmare. Maybe it wouldn't happen again. Maybe her true Prince Charming would greet her once she settled into sleep. Or not.

_Opening her eyes, Lizzie found herself standing in the ballroom of the Salvatore school. She stood at the end of the grand staircase, waiting for her dream prince to take her hand and for them to glide onto the dance floor. "Please, please, please," Lizzie whispered to herself. "Anyone but him. I'll accept MG. Jackass Jed. Anyone but him! Please!" _

_Inhaling sharply, Lizzie felt a warm hand take her own and she smiled, opening her eyes and looked to her left. Lizzie felt her heart drop. "No," she groaned. _

"_What's wrong, honey?" Landon freakin' Kirby asked her. His hair stood out at all angles. His wide green eyes shone with his smile. _

_Whimpering, Lizzie allowed Landon, in his off-the-rack suit to lead her to the dance floor. "Shouldn't you be…like getting hunted by a monster…and having Hope dash in on the white horse, to save your lame ass?" she inquired with a biting smile. _

_Landon continued to smile like he did not have a clue that she was being super mean to him. "No. Hope's with Rafe now. I think they're much happier this way. Although Hope might have a little crush on Josie. You two could be family one day. And me. One big, happy family." _

"_EW!" Lizzie shrieked, pushing Landon away, and turned, to run into Rafe and Hope. "You! You did this to me!" Lizzie accused Hope, grabbing her by the shoulders. "You met a genie, and you wished me into an alternate universe!" _

_Hope gave Lizzie a sympathetic look. "Lizzie, I think that last time you hit your head might have been worse than we thought. Maybe you should go to the infirmary, get you checked out." _

_Rafael nodded. "You don't look so good, Lizzie. Could be low iron. You can get a shot." _

"_Ugh!" Lizzie's face screwed up. "Somebody, get me the hell out of here!" she screamed, squeezing her eyes shut and screaming._

"Lizzie!" A violent shake woke Lizzie. The siphoner woke to find Penelope Park glaring into her eyes. "She's awake," she announced.

Sitting bolt upright, Lizzie looked around her room to find Josie, Penelope, Hope, Landon, Rafael, MG and Kaleb staring at her. She thought they would begin to laugh at her, but they didn't.

"What are you all doing in here?" Lizzie demanded.

MG came over to sit down beside her. "We thought you might be being attacked by another dream monster. We were going to save you." He grinned down at her and Lizzie smiled back. Her gaze wavered to Landon, and she shook her head, tearing her eyes back to MG's sweet smile.

"No. I don't think so. I'm just having a stupid, horrible… Whatever… I have an exam to study for." Lizzie tried to get up when Hope barred her way. "Get out of my way, Hell Spawn!"

"She's trying to help you," Landon retorted.

"Look who got a backbone. Did you borrow it from your Super Girl girlfriend? Does it come with a matching cape?" Lizzie hissed at Landon.

Landon frowned and backed away. Feeling a piercing stab of guilt, Lizzie flushed and sat back down. "Sorry," she muttered, pressing her hands into her hair. "Maybe I should stay here, for today."

"We'll check in on you," Josie said, resting a hand on Lizzie's shoulder.

Nodding, Lizzie kept her eyes on her comforter. She did not want to look at any of her…not friends…classmates.

"Bye," MG called and Lizzie nodded, still not looking up. She listened to footfalls and caught sight of Landon as he left. Her eyes fell on his backside. How did he look so good in his jeans? Oh, no! EW! She screamed, inwardly.

After the door closed and she could not hear any other sounds in the hallway, Lizzie scrambled off her bed, and onto the floor. She removed a small pile of books. Moving them around, she found the one she wanted. She knew she must be under a spell and she needed to reveal its source and stop it.

Flipping the pages, Lizzie's brain stirred, and she knew who she could ask for help with this. Uncle Kai. But after they went around scaring the hell out of half the school—or the precious few that anyone really paid any attention to: Hope, Landon, Rafe, Penelope and Jo—they were not supposed to be in contact.

Well, just one more, little encounter couldn't do too much damage; could it?

Lizzie shoved her books back under the bed and straightened up. She closed her eyes and did a quick, self-cloaking spell before entering the hall. When she'd made it downstairs and no one greeted her; Lizzie knew she would be fine.

The only problem was getting past the magical alarm system her father used to alert him of anyone trying to get to people he kept locked up in the basement.

With a smile, Lizzie siphoned the magic off the alarm and then she unlocked the door with the key she'd made a copy of from her dad's office, years ago. Once inside, she knew she had precious little time to waken Kai, get the info she needed, and to get the heck out of here.

Lizzie opened the cell and slid inside. Kai looked peaceful as he slept away in his magical coma. Placing her hands on either side of his face, Lizzie closed her eyes and began to siphon.

Eyes opening, Lizzie watched Kai come to. His fingers wrapped around her throat and she began to choke. "Uncle Kai, it's me, Lizzie," she gasped out, with a strained smile.

Kai dropped his hand and looked confused. "What the hell did they do to me?" he demanded, his eyes dark with malice.

"Just a little sleep spell," Lizzie announced brightly. "And Dad kind of made sure you wouldn't ever try to hurt me, or Jo, again." She watched her uncle take in that info, rubbing his throat.

"That would explain feeling like I'd just been choked." Kai grinned, looking terrifying, but Lizzie wasn't scared of him. She knew he wouldn't, and couldn't, hurt her. Sitting down, she crossed her legs. "I woke you up because I have a problem."

"Of course," Kai said slowly. "And you want Uncle Kai to fix it. Huh?"

Lizzie nodded. "Yes! Please!"

"Tell me all about it," Kai said, standing up and stretching.

"It's about a guy. I kind of…ugh…I think…ew…I…please, I can't say it aloud!" Lizzie moaned, rolling her eyes to the ceiling.

"Hey, kid. Can't help unless you say it," Kai said, bending down, and placing his hands on her knee, offering Lizzie a wide smile.

"Okay. Okay. I'm in love with a guy who I just…ugh. He's so not my type!" Lizzie wailed, slapping her hands over her eyes.

"And that's a problem. Just get him a makeover, or get over it," Kai told her, patting her knee, again, he stood up and moved to the cell door. "In the meantime, I have revenge on the menu."

"Wait!" Don't go!" Lizzie shot to her feet. She crossed the space between herself and her uncle. Grabbing Kai by the shoulders; Lizzie stared at him. "You have to help me! I can't live like this! He's just so…ugh! You have to know a spell to make me not love him!"

"You could find a genie –" Kai began when Lizze slapped a hand over his mouth.

"NO! No genie. Genies make everything worse. Way, way worse! There's got to be another way," Lizzie pleaded, clasping her hand in front of her. "Help me!"

Sighing, Kai nodded. "Sure. Okay. First, you probably need to accept it. You're into him. Now, you get the guy, and if you find out you don't really want him; you dump him."

"But…" Lizzie found that Kai might be right. What if she had Landon, and that was her way out of this nightmare. A little purging of her feelings by wallowing in them. She could do that. No problem.

"You're right," Lizzie breathed. Nodding, she smiled and then she groaned. "But he's got a girlfriend."

"No problem. I'll just kill her. Problem solved." Kai started to move when Lizzie grabbed his arm.

"You can't." Lizzie shook her head rapidly. "I'm not sure she can be killed."

"Oh, please, if everyone who said they couldn't be killed, couldn't be, there would be millions of supes still roaming the planet. Let's go kill someone." Kai left the cell and headed for the stairs.

"It's Hope Mikaelson!" Lizzie called after her uncle.

Kai paused. "Great. She's on my list. Let's go."

"Uncle Kai!" Lizzie hurried after him. "Seriously, you can't kill her! My dad likes her!"

"Then we'll kill Alaric, too. He's on the list," Kai retorted over his shoulder.

"No!" Lizzie shouted.

Kai stopped and placed his fingers to his lips. "I was kidding. Sort of. Okay. We'll find a way to woo your new boyfriend, minus the fun part. Let me think about this… Okay, Plan A: Become his friend. Get to know him. Show him the softer side of the Parker girl."

"Saltzman," Lizzie corrected.

"Whatever," Kai replied with a smile.

~0~

Hours later, Lizzie watched Landon walk the halls with Hope. They looked so happy. It made Lizzie want to set Hope on fire.

"I'll get Hope out of the way. You, make you move." Kai gave Lizzie a shove toward Landon.

Lizzie hoped that Kai's plan to distract Hope did not involve killing her. Another girl let out a shriek, her head being tugged backward as her hair dragged her off her seat towards the doors, exiting the library. Hope's head spun to take in the action and she said something to Landon before taking off after the girl and the girl's invisible attacker.

"That was weird," Landon said conversationally as Lizzie sat down across from him.

"Yeah. Super weird. But that's what happens around here. Lots of weird." Lizzie let out a high-pitched giggle.

Landon blinked at her, frowning. "Uh. Aren't you supposed to be in bed? Recovering from your nightmares?" he whispered to her, leaning closer, like they were sharing a secret, even though every vamp in the place could hear them.

"Uh?" Lizzie found herself not being able to look away from his lips. They just looked so kissable. She sighed, feeling dreamy. She wanted to climb on top of the table and launch herself at him. They could do it, right there, in the middle of the library. If this were a dream, everyone else would just fade away.

"Uh, Lizzie, are you okay?" Landon asked. "And do I have something on my mouth?" He began to rub at his lips.

"Me," Lizzie breathed with a wide smile.

"Huh?" Landon's eyes flew to hers and Lizzie felt her cheeks heat up. "Oh, did I say something. I mean. No! You don't have anything on your lips. They're perfect." Forcing her eyes to the books, she pushed the chair she had sat down on back, and moved around the table, to sit next to Landon. She tugged the book closest to Landon toward her and chewed on her bottom lip. "So, you're reading about…"

Guys loved to feel smart. When Jackass Jed came to the Boarding School, Lizzie used to sit through his telling her all about his pack and watch him fight. Eventually she got bored and moved on. But she did learn that making a guy feel interesting usually helped you land them.

"Oh. Um. Yeah. I'm trying to research information about my family. Back in Ireland. Seylah would help a lot; if she were here…" His eyes darkened and Lizzie placed a hand on his arm.

Eyes falling to Lizzie's hand on his arm; Landon looked confused. "Um…"

"You miss your mom?" Lizzie sympathized. "I wish my mom didn't have to go on these trips. So, I totally get it. I mean, your mom would probably be here—if she could be—instead of being eaten by a monster in the Dark Dimension…" She could just kick herself for opening her big, stupid mouth.

"You think that's what happened?" Landon gulped, looking horrified.

"No! No, she's probably fine. Well, not fine. She's in the Dark Dimension, but as fine as someone who is, can be. Being a human. There. I'm sorry. Did you want to talk about your research? It sounds super interesting!"

"Um. I think I'm going to go find Rafe." Landon shut his book. He nearly tripped himself trying to get up, and get away from Lizzie who felt so stupid.

"I'm sorry. I mean. I could help. With the research. I've been here my whole life. And Jo. She spends, like, a ton of hours here. Total dork." Lizzie let out a nervous laugh.

Landon shook his head. "I've got to… Bye." Turning, he ran into a series of tables before banging into Jed, apologized, and ran for his life, before the former pack leader could grab him.

~0~

"How did it go?" Kai asked, licking his fingers clean and sitting up on Lizzie's bed.

Lizzie let out a strangled, half-scream, her hand on her heart. "Seriously! What are you doing in here? Do you know how much trouble I could get in if someone found you in here?" She shoved the door closed with her foot and strode over to stand over Kai, her hands on her hips.

"You are so much like Caroline Forbes," Kai told her.

"Thanks!" Lizzie smiled.

"That's not a compliment. Now, dish, dear. I don't have all day. I have things to do for myself you know." Kai watched Lizzie intently.

"I screwed it up. I started talking about his mom getting eaten by something. Speaking of eating, did you eat that girl?" Lizzie demanded.

"Only took a couple of ounces. Little OJ and cookies. She'll feel like she went to the blood drive," Kai retorted. "Plan B: Dinner."

"Dinner?" Lizzie crossed her arms over her chest.

"Yes. A meal you have. Usually in the evening," Kai told her, like she was five.

Lizzie shook her head. "He's probably having dinner with Hope."

"Hope is in the infirmary," Kai told her.

"What did you do to her?" Lizzie hissed at him.

Kai shrugged. "Wanted to know if she could die. She's pretty hard to kill."

"What! Did! You! Do!" Lizzie hissed.

"Just a little sword through the middle. She'll heal. Plus, she's sweating out the poison." Kai got to his feet. "Now, go find the boy and offer him a shoulder to cry on, and a home-cooked meal. It's a common known fact that the way to man's heart is through his stomach."

"But I can't cook!" Lizzie called after her uncle.

"Must I do everything?" Kai demanded. Rolling his eyes, he turned. "Fine. I'll cook you a meal. The rest is on you."

Lizzie clapped her hands together at her uncle's words. Tonight would be perfect. She knew, without a doubt, that Plan B would win Landon over.

~0~

Entering the infirmary, Lizzie felt a pinch of guilt. Whatever Kai did to Hope left her lying on a bed and looking like she'd taken on twenty monsters. "Hey," Lizzie called, edging over, to stand behind Landon.

Landon sat on a chair, beside Hope's bedside, holding her hand, like any good boyfriend would. Lizzie now felt jealous. Suppressing the feeling, she offered Hope a bright smile. "How are you feeling?"

Hope shrugged. "I should be as good as new by tomorrow," she told them.

"Good. That means you don't mind if I steal Landon," Lizzie said, placing a hand on Landon's shoulder.

Looking confused, Landon peered over his shoulder at Lizzie. "I'm not leaving Hope," he snapped, looking angry.

Hope squeezed Landon's hand. "I'm going to be okay. Okay? You should go. Get something to eat. You totally missed dinner. You must be starving. And the painkillers are beginning to kick in. I think I'm going to go to sleep." Her eyelids began to shut. Landon sat forward, kissing Hope on the forehead, and then pushed his chair back.

Lizzie followed Landon out of the infirmary, remaining quiet until they were on the stairs. "I'm sure she'll be fine," she assured him, with a pat on the shoulder.

Landon turned to stare at Lizzie with a hard look. "Really? You think so? Whatever it was that attacked Jenny Carmichael nearly cut Hope's intestines out…" Seething, Landon shook his head. "The monster has some kind of power of invisibility. We've only ever seen that with your uncle…" Now, he gave Lizzie an accusatory look.

"It's not him!" Lizzie protested. Her voice had risen an octave. She took a deep breath. "Look. I'll help you find out who, and what it is, and we'll stop it, before it comes back to finish off Hope. Okay?" She smiled brightly.

Landon shook his head and continued up the stairs. The rest of the trip to the dining hall was made in silence. Once inside, Lizzie perked up. A table had a set of glowing candles on it. Some of the best plates and silverware were on the table.

"What is this?" Landon looked confused.

"Oh, I don't know. Let me go in the kitchen. Make sure we're not interrupting someone's romantic night," Lizzie said. Turning on her heel, she marched to the kitchen.

Kai was humming to himself while placing spaghetti on a dish. "Is that meat I smell? Meat is murder!" Lizzie hissed. She gave Kai a serious look.

Kai rolled his eyes. "Murder gets a bad reputation. Taste the sauce and say: '"Meat is bad," he scoffed.

Lizzie obeyed her uncle, nodding and licking the remnants off her lips. "It's good. And you told me you didn't hurt Hope too much."

"She'll heal," Kai retorted.

Shaking her head, Lizzie grabbed the bread bowl and a bottle of wine. She carried them out of the kitchen. She would have to be careful of how far Kai took things this time.

"Bread! And wine! Looks like someone left their dinner. Too bad for them. But good for us," Lizzie said. She sat the bread in front of Landon.

"It does smell good," Landon said. His stomach growled and Lizzie grinned at him.

Picking up a piece of bread, Landon began to take a bit when he sighed. "I can't. I'm sorry. I'm too worried about Hope."

"Hope will be fine," Lizzie reassured him.

Shaking his head, Landon got to his feet. "I'm going to go back down."

"But…but…but… There's spaghetti. I'm even willing to eat meat for you…I mean because it's already in the sauce." Lizzie watched Landon's brow draw together before he shook his head again.

"Sorry, Lizzie. My place is by Hope's side," Landon told her. He turned and walked away.

Lizzie stood up. She could feel herself losing control. "Hey, hey! Calm down. Have some dinner. Don't want it to go to waste, do you?" Kai asked, appearing beside Lizzie with the spaghetti.

Sighing, Lizzie sat down and forced herself to begin to eat her uncle's food. It really was delicious. "Plan C is coming up soon."

"Plan C?" Lizzie asked with a yawn. She took a sip of wine that Kai had poured her.

"Yup." Kai nodded.

"What's Plan C?" Lizzie asked.

"Be the hero," Kai told her.

"I suck at being a hero," Lizzie retorted, glumly.

"Not this time," Kai said, shaking his head.

The world began to spin. Lizzie fell to the floor. "You drugged me," she moaned.

"Part of Plan C. Don't worry your pretty little head about it," Kai said, gathering her up and Lizzie's eyelids closed.

~0~

Lizzie woke up in the darkened woods near the school. "Hello?" she called.

"Lizzie?" Landon's voice came from close by.

"Landon!" Lizzie forced herself to her feet and ran to him. He was tied up. She lifted her hands, grateful she still had some juice in the magical tank. "You're going to be okay!" Lizzie cried to Landon.

The ropes fell, but Landon still looked panicked. "Lizzie, behind you!" Landon shouted.

"Oh, shit!" Lizzie cried when a sword went flying toward her head. She lifted her hands. She let out the scream she'd been holding in earlier. The invisible figure with the sword went flying.

"Take my hand," Lizzie shouted to Landon. He grasped her hand, and, together, they ran for their lives.

"We can't run forever. We have to fight this thing!" Landon puffed out, already struggling to run twenty yards away.

"Right." Lizzie turned back around. "Let's be heroes. Team L."

Landon actually smiled at her and Lizzie felt her heart soar. "We need weapons," he said. Lizzie wiggled her fingers at him. "Okay. Good. I need a weapon." He grabbed a fallen branch and hefted it. "This will have to do."

The monster came at them again and Lizzie sent it flying before Landon hit it with his branch. "Ouch!" Kai said, rubbing his head. "Not nice to hit someone when they're down." He grinned at Lizzie. "Hello, Liz, what's up?"

"Kai?" Lizzie played up the confusion.

"I knew it!" Landon cried. "How did you get free and what do you want this time and why did you go after Hope?"

"I work for your dad," Kai said, pushing himself to his feet and dusting himself off.

"You what?" Lizzie felt confused.

"His dad, big cheese in the Dark Dimension. And hell. And a couple of other places. So, we made a little deal while I was taking my nap," Kai said. "I make sure Landon's out of the way and that pesky girlfriend of his was in the way."

Lizzie wondered if any of this was true. "Time to send you away. It's for your own good, Landon," Kai told them.

"What?" Landon looked confused.

Lizzie placed herself in front of Landon when Kai held up a round metal…something and began to chant. "What are you doing?" she screamed when she found herself blinking.

"Where are we?" Landon asked, looking around.

Lizzie grimaced. "I think we're in what's called a Prison World."

"A what?" Landon inquired.

"Plan C," Lizzie groaned, her head falling. She should have known better than to trust Kai. Oh, well. At least she would have some time with Landon, without Hope.

~0~

"Day two hundred and fifty-six," Lizzie pronounced to the video she was making. "I'm happier here than I ever was on the outside. I have a great guy, who adores me, and I've made peace with our new life."

"Honey, what are you doing?" Landon called. He pulled on a T-shirt and entered the kitchen.

"Working on a video for our friends at home. And I think I finally figured out how to make pancakes," Lizzie told him with a grin.

Landon slipped his arms around her waist and kissed her softly on the lips. "You might want to flip them before they burn, babe."

"Okay," Lizzie grabbed a spatula and flipped the pancake in the skillet. "I'm going to go out for an hour, to shop."

"I'll be reading in the Great Room," Landon said.

~0~

Lizzie made her way through the Town's Square of Mystic Falls, enjoying the peace and quiet as she looked through the shop windows. She spotted a piece of white paper atop the bench dedicated to her grandmother, Elizabeth Forbes. Picking up the paper; Lizzie smiled. It was a note from Kai.

_Lizzie, _

_You'll be pleased to know that you won't have to get rid of Hope's notes any more. I convinced her that Landon was in the Dark Dimension and she opened a hole and hopped right on in. Far too easy. _

_Jo's dating that wolf, Rafael, but I think Penelope will win her back by the end of the year. _

_Your dad is planning a wedding with some woman named Emma. _

_Pedro is doing well._

_I plan on finding Bonnie Bennett and never allowing her to leave my side. _

_Kai_

Lizzie smiled. She would send a note, thanking Kai for these pieces of news. And that she always thought of Bonnie as Aunt Bonnie anyway. Humming a happy tune, Lizzie chanted a few words, watched the note burn, and went back home to her love.

**Thank you for reading, faving, following and reviewing. **

**Peace,**

**J**


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